#BEDM14 Day 4 – What’s The Problem?
What indeed, Internet, what indeed. Well, the primary problem is that I am a dichotomy. Stop sniggering in the back there! No, a DI-chotomy. I enjoy the problems I have to solve at work. Granted, by enjoy I mean I’ll fume and curse, but I actually like being the one that keeps all the plates spinning so everyone else can get on and do their thing. However I hate the problems I have in life because I seem incapable of dealing with them to my satisfaction. All the grit and determination and sheer ability to click my fingers and cut the gordian knot at work leaves me when I walk out of the door and it’s like I’m fighting a war of attrition with my own nature.
For work I supervise the backstage operations team in a decent-sized store of a well-known High Street retailer. My job is 50% absolutes and 50% imponderables. The two by their very nature fight against each other. The continued smooth operation of the store requires that certain things absolutely be done at certain times. But other things, like deliveries and equipment requests and breakdowns and emergencies and people shitting themselves on the shop floor… They can happen at any time. It’s my job to stop the frantically paddling legs that allow the serene gliding of the visible duck from getting tangled up in submerged refuse and drowning said duck. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. And I’m bloody good at it, if I do say so myself. In fact the business officially recognises our store as having the best backstage operation in the business, so I feel justified in parping that particular horn.
In real life though, not so much. I have low body self-image and I’ve tried to lose weight for years which is happening, though excruciatingly slowly these days. But I also have shit impulse control and I’m a comfort-eater. This means that when I’m exhausted and stressed after work at night I can almost never stop myself from going and getting booze and fatty foods and cramming them in my mouth. I know full well that I have enough reasonably healthy food at home and that I should simply go there, have a big bowl of Special K and stay sober. But I don’t. I go to the nearby Sainsbury’s and pick up all the calories that I’ve not eaten through the day. I’ve developed good eating habits for mealtimes at work and through trial and error I’ve worked out what and how much I can eat to not be hungry but still lose weight. And then it all goes to shit.
This is the problem I’m dealing with now. I eat more food that I want or need to eat and so spend more money than I want or need to spend. And LITERALLY AS I’M WRITING it’s occurred to me that if I left my wallet at home I wouldn’t physically be able to buy anything.
This is another problem of mine – I’m quite clever in some respects but absolutely brick fucking dumb in others…